Keep Your Receipt

        This is another story of something stupid I did while living alone. The first one is below, if you haven't yet read it, but would like to (I highly recommend reading it. I give it 9 out of 3 golden celestial bodies, which is my second highest recommendation.)

         In January of 2006 I went back to living alone after having stayed with my parents for a month on what the university affectionately refers to as "Winter Recess." I settled myself and crawled in bed, awaiting the first day of class. I began hearing noises... spooky noises. There was a loud banging sound coming from downstairs. As I listened closer it sounded something like, "CLANK CLANK CLANK, I'M A SPOOKY CLANK AND I'M ALSO POTENTIALLY AN ARMED ROBBER/MONSTER!!!1" See Figure 2-1. As I listened closer still, it seemed more likely that the heater was making the noises- except that I hadn't recalled the heater making these noises before. I put my pants on and went downstairs to investigate. It was indeed the heater. I was happy that it was not a robber/monster, but annoyed that it made me put pants on.

Fig. 2-1, The most probable source of the noise.

        I spoke with my father in the morning and he spoke with his friend, who is a HVAC guy. Unfortunately, Mr. HVAC was super busy and my problem had to wait an entire week. In the meantime, I had to turn the heater off. Living without heat was an adventure, as winters in Utah are very cold. For example, after my first shower in an almost literally freezing home, I stepped out to dry myself, and my body started steaming. I had never experienced this, and thought I would probably soon spontaneously combust. Luckily, I did not combust. I believe my thermostat settled between 40 and 45 degrees Fahrenheit.

         I had to be creative to stay warm. The first night I put on extra clothes... many extra clothes. I probably gained 387,345.123 pounds with the extra clothes I had on. See figure 2-2.

Fig. 2-2 Self-explanatory comparison.

     The second night, in addition to wearing many clothes, I stole a huge pile of The U of U's school newspaper- The Daily Utah Chronicle, see figure 2-3. I had a small fireplace, so I sat in front of it for about an hour just crumbling up paper after paper and throwing them in to keep a fire going.

Fig. 2-3, The school's newspaper. That is me, on the right.

        On the third day I spoke on the phone with my mother and she informed me that the insurance company had said it would be okay to buy a space heater, and if we sent them the receipt, that they would reimburse us up to $35. I had always know what space heaters were, but I had honestly never heard the term "space heater," so when I was told to go buy one, I was pretty confused. I was thinking that this was some sort of new, super heater- something that worked magically, like space blankets. I soon realized that "space" referred to "area," not "outer space." But I had pretended to know exactly what they were, see figure 2-4.

Fig. 2-4, I am great at sounding like I know what space heaters are.

        Anywhom, so I went to the local KMart and began looking for these magic astronaut heaters. I found a nice looking one for about $30, so I bought it and went home. After talking to my parents again, I found out that we did not need to mail the actual receipt to Mr. Insurance; we could just scan it and email it to them. This was great news! Being as sneaky as I was, I figured we could send a receipt copy in, then I could just return the astronaut heater after the normal people heater was fixed, and I'd have $30 from the insurance in my pocket! I put the receipt on the kitchen counter, where I would not lose it.

        That night I put considerable effort into staying warm. I even managed to raise the thermostat up to the high 50's! I had my several layers of clothing on, put a Duraflame brand fire log in the fireplace, and turned the astronaut heater on. I also turned on the stove and had it cracked open. It was an electric stove, so I'm pretty sure it was safe. It was also pretty fun, thanks to Mr. Physics, a lot of hot air was blowing out. Feeling this hot breeze was pretty nice, but I thought I would be cool to also have a visual, seeing as how air currents are invisible, like germs, or even most ghosts. I grabbed the receipt by the end and held it over the open oven, see figure 2-5 (and I am tired of drawing, bear with me.) It was flapping pretty "legitimately" (that word is cool to use, lately) in the hot breeze. In fact, it was being blown upwards so strongly and legitimately that I thought it would be cool to let it go and watch it float there, and so that is what I did. I did not float. It fell.. Quickly.. Into the oven.. Onto the heating element in the oven.. And immediately combusted into flames... I wanted to grab it out, but there was absolutely no time. I could only watch the horror through the little window, see figure 2-6. Well, sh-t.

Fig. 2-5, A good idea.

Fig. 2-6, Uh.. Oops.

    
          The phone conversation with my parents was awkward. I pretended to be a lesser idiot who just misplaced the receipt, opposed to one who accidentally cremated it. But I came up with a partial solution. I went and bought another astronaut heater, scanned the receipt, then returned it. Live and learn... and then get luvs.