College Quotes: Round 1

I've learned a lot in my (too many) years in college. Really. I've had a lot of awesome teachers and in addition to hearing important business and accounting lessons from them, I've heard many of them say funny shit that makes me lol. I always take note of funny things and write them in my notes. So here's the first 10 quotes in what might become an ongoing series. Keep in my that I'm not giving context.

By Marketing Professor:

1) "Jim's a nice guy; I had thought he was a terrorist.
2) "... And by belittling you, I hope to motivate you."
3) "Well, I say I love pornography!"
4) "I got all this stuff that says it cures herpes."
5) "I want dreadlocks! You might not recognize me in heaven."
6) "... and then the guy says, 'This is where they used to shoot the porno videos.'"
7) "You don't think to say, "HEY! Did someone die of AIDS here?!"

By Accounting Professor:

8) "Blonds have more fun... It's true- they're easier to find in the dark."
9) "Oh.. And this one's really bad- What do you call a blond that you find dead in a closet? That's last years hide-and-go-seek winner."

By Management Professor:

10) "How many of  you are here because you want to earn that white-collar piece of paper that says 'Weber State Diploma' on it, opposed to those of you who want to actually learn shit that might help you out?"

Never Satisfied

People are never satisfied. It's true. They always seem to want the opposite of what they have. People are also pretty damn stupid and don't even realize this most of the time. I have an example to illustrate.

You're at Denny's, and what is on the menu?

Exhibit A.

But then you're at the grocery store, and what do grab and put in your cart?

Exhibit B.

Yup... I don't feel like writing more, but pretty much I think it's silly that restaurants serve "home style" food and grocery stores sell "restaurant style" items...

At the local Food King.

  

A night on the town.

Relationship Application

        For a long time now, I thought it would be funny to come up with a relationship application. Sort of like a job application, but so people can apply for a relationship (or date or whatever) with you. So I decided to procrastinate homework and I finally made one. That's right, get all the facts before you blow $25 at the Olive Garden!

        Feel free to print it out so you can start screening those prospective dates! Just make sure to format it so there is room to answer questions, if you do print. Single women (or taken ones, I don't care- I'm cooler than your douche of a current boyfriends anyways) may also apply to me. *cough, shifty eyes*... Anyways, I have it as a Word doc, if you'd like it, but here it is-

Relationship Application

Note: As a resume is to obtain an interview, not a job, sell yourself with this application to obtain a lunch date (or dinner, if you’re lucky, you smooth operator, you).

Personal Demographics

          Name:

            Age:

            Gender:

            Race:

            National Origin:

            Religion: 

     From 1-10, with 10 being most important, 

     how important is your religion to you?

            Political Affiliation:

            Do you (and please include types/frequency)-

                 Smoke?

                 Drink?

                 Use any drugs?

Personality

          Please list up to 7 words to generally describe yourself.

            What is your best characteristic?

            What is your worst characteristic?

Interests

Please list interests. Describe what you enjoy doing during your daily free time, weekends, and holidays.

Do you have any interests that you have not yet pursued? If you had the time and resources, what you would like to do or learn about?

Please list some of your favorite music, movies, and books (up to 7 of each).

Skills

            Please list special skills that you possess. Include any and items such as: foreign languages, musical skill, physical abilities, and any other skills, abilities, or talents. Also, please include levels- for example, if you list a foreign language, please indicate whether you are fluent, intermediate, beginner, etc.

Education and Work

            What is the highest level of education that you have completed?

           

Are you currently a student? If so, what are you studying?

           

What are your career aspirations?

           

Do you currently work? If so, what do you do?

Past Relationships

            How many previous relationships have you had? How serious where these relationships?

Why did your last relationship end?

           

If need be, would you be willing to discuss how many previous sexual partners have you had- including any form of sexual activity? (This is a yes/no question, you are not required to list or discuss anything here, though if you are comfortable, you are welcome to it.)

Have you been tested for STDs? Or would you be willing to get tested if need be? (Also yes/no, you need not discuss the results of any tests here, though you are welcome to.)

Expectations

            What are your expectations of this relationship? What type of relationship are you seeking? For example: serious long-term, short-term, open relationship, make-out partner, gym partner, etc.

Why are you applying?

            What do you want out of this relationship in the long term?

References

            Please include up to 4 references. These may include friends, coworkers, or previous relationships.

Final Comments

            You may use this remaining space to write down anything that you would like to add. Then, sign and date at bottom.

An Embarrassing Trip To The E.R.

         Note: I wrote this about two weeks ago, and I have been wanting to do some illustrations for it, but it seems that I either do not have the time, or I just have not got around to it. You be the judge. Anyways, I decided to just post it. Hopefully this is entertaining still.

        Have you ever been in a doctors office for some sort of embarrassing problem (other than being preggo), and when he asks you why exactly you are there to see him, you want to hit him and tell him to mind his own damn business and just treat you because that is why you are paying him?

         Anywhom, when I was a child, my father showed me lots of cool little tricks. For example, when I was eleven or so, he showed me that to see if an iron was hot, you could spit on it a tiny bit. If it sizzled it meant the iron was indeed hot, so you had better not burn yourself on it. I thought this was bad ass, so I would even occasionally* fire up the ol' iron so I could gleek on it and watch and hear it sizzle, even if all my shirts were completely wrinkle-free. I would spend hours* in the laundry room doing this. (I was, and still am, freaking great at gleeking, but that is another story.)

        One evening, I was playing some Sega Genisis in my room. I finished, turned the T.V. off, and then had a bright idea. If spitting on a hot iron produced a sweet sizzling action, then most likely it would also be awesome to spit on the light bulb in my lamp. Those bulbs get super hot, so they would clearly produce some killer sizzles. I leaned over my lamp, collect some spit in mouth, and let a good-sized drop fall onto the bulb. What happened next confused me. The light went out and my room was completely black. I did not what had happened, so I leaned further over my lamp, and moved my face in closer. That was a mistake. The light bulb loudly exploded in face. Having heard glass explode, followed by my screams, my parents rushed into my room to find me crying.

  Parents: What happened?!?! What happened?!?!
Me: THE LAMP EXPLODED IN MY FACE!!!! I THINK I HAVE GLASS IN MY EYES!!!!
  Parents: What?!?! How did the lamp explode???
Me: I don't know, it just exploded!
  Parents: It just exploded?
Me: Yeah, I was just looking at it, then the light went out, then it just exploded.

        My mom rushed me to the hospital emergency room. They were quick to admit me, seeing as how I was an eleven year old, with shards of glass in his eyes. Perhaps one of the most embarrassing moments in my life was when I was sitting back in the doctors chair, as he was putting yellow die in my eyes. He asked me how I got glass in my eyes, and I told him, "Uhhh... I spit on a light bulb... and it blew up... in my face."

         And that's pretty much the end of that story. He got all the glass out, and luckily my already poor vision was not worsened. We got home and my dad told my mom, "I was looking around his room. There was this glass of water, maybe some spilled and caused it to explode."

        My mom just pointed at me and said, "No. He spit on the light bulb, and it blew up."




*By "occasionally" I mean "two, maybe three times." Also, by "hours," I mean, like, "two minutes." I mean, it was cool, but jeez, it wasn't that entertaining.